Coming Out Guide

Introduction

This guide has been written for young people who are gay, bisexual or exploring their sexuality and are thinking about coming out. We know that making the decision to come out can be scary, difficult and stressful. It is for these reasons that this guide has been put together. We believe that useful information and other people's experiences of coming out can help to prepare you for some of the consequences that coming out to family and friends may bring.

Coming out is different for every person, but some of the experiences you may go through when you are coming out may be similar to others. Because of this we have tried to answer some of the questions that we are regularly asked; although in reality, this guide is likely to prompt more questions, if that is the case then feel free to call us.

Being gay

In simple terms, being gay means that you are sexually attracted to members of your own sex. It doesn't mean that you have to act in a certain way or identify with other gay people or the larger gay community, many gay people don't get involved with the gay scene or gay community groups although these places can sometimes be a great place for meeting people like you and for getting some support.

Why am I gay?

Nobody knows for sure why some of us are gay and some of us are not. Lots of theories have been put forward ranging from genetic differences to overbearing parents. The evidence so far suggests that random genetic factors play a part in determining our sexuality in the same way they play a part in determining, for example, left-handedness.

One thing we do know is that no-one chooses their sexuality. Some gay people knew they were different, if not gay, from as young as five or six.

By and large, society tends to assume that everyone is, or wants to be, heterosexual. This is known as heterosexism.

There are several stages in the process of coming out. It's your life so take your time - do things for you and only when you are ready.

Coming out to yourself

Acknowledging that you are gay can take many years. Some of us probably hoped these feelings were "just a phase". In time, we realise that these feelings are not just a phase and we have to find a way of accepting them and dealing with the fact that we are sexually attracted to members of our own sex.

This inner acceptance is the first stage of coming out. There is no hard and fast rule when this point is reached. Some people describe this time of accepting their sexuality as though they were riding an emotional rollercoaster. One day they felt happy and confident and ready to tell everyone; the next they felt confused, scared and relieved that they hadn't. It is important that you feel happy about who you are.

Coming out to other people

The next stage involves going public in some way. This is also known as "coming out". Who you tell is really up to you. You may decide to tell your best friend or a member of your family. The most important advice we can give is to tell someone you can trust. This means that it might not be the person you are closest to. A lot of people say that they had already worked out how that person might react, this is not always the case, the person you think may be cool about your news may find it very difficult and visa versa.

Once you have told someone about your sexuality you must be prepared for others to find out. This is human nature and there is very little you can do to prevent this. If you are resolved to deal with any negativity that this disclosure may bring, you will be sufficiently prepared for it.

It is important to remember that the person you have told may need some time to get their head around your news. Just think how long it has taken you to get to this place, it will take them sometime also.

Who should I tell?

Many gay people describe how important it is to first tell someone they trust. Whoever you choose make sure it's someone you believe will be supportive and not likely to get straight on the phone after you have told them and tell everyone else you know.

If you have decided to tell your family it may be easier to talk to one member of the family before the others. You could then ask them for help to approach the others. But you are more likely to understand how your family works and how best to talk to your family.

Make sure you understand why you are going to tell them.

There are a number of typical responses that parents, particularly, are known to say: "How can you be sure?", "It's just a phase", "You'll grow out of it" and "You haven't tried hard enough with the opposite sex".

We have listed these here because they may help you to think of your answers to them.

Support for your family

This can be a upsetting time for some members of your family. You may feel unable to answer all their questions or to deal with all of the issues that come up for them. They, in turn, may not feel comfortable talking about homosexuality or bisexuality with you. There is a support group for parents and friends called FFLAG (Friends and Families of Lesbian and Gay people), which produces booklets written specially for parents and friends. There is more information about this organisation on our links page.

How should I tell them?

There is no rule that says how to talk to people about your sexuality. You don't have to sit down, face to face and talk, there are other ways.

You might like to write to them first, this will give you a chance to get down the things that you want to say in your own words, this also gives them time to react in their own way. This is probably a better approach if, for example, you live a long way from your family or friends. Writing a letter allows you to take your time and to compose your thoughts carefully and clearly. It can also give the person you are writing to space to react and consider the news before discussing it with you. This could be a useful approach if you are expecting a very hostile or negative reaction. It can also be a difficult way to tell people because you don't get the chance to see their initial reactions and once you have sent the letter then you cannot take it back and you will have to wait sometime for their reaction.

If you decide to talk face to face, remember not to rush it or to do it when one of you is in a hurry or distracted. It probably won't help to memorise a script either - you can guarantee that some people do not respond in a predictable manner. If you are worried about their reaction, tell them of your fears and that you don't want to hurt them but need to be honest with them. Remember to listen to what they have to say - it should be along the lines of a chat, not a speech!

When should I tell them?

When it comes to coming out, timing is an important consideration. Choose the moment carefully - do it when you (and they) have lots of time - not last thing at night when you are likely to be more tired and emotional.

Think about the way you are feeling, allowing for nerves, which are perfectly natural under the circumstances, don't do it if you are feeling angry or emotionally sensitive - this will affect what you say and how you say it. For obvious reasons don't do it when you are drunk (even if you think you need a drink to steady your nerves).

And remember - only when you are good and ready. A friend once said that he knew he was ready to tell his family only when he realised that, if he had to, he could live without their support. Fortunately for him (and his family) this didn't happen.

Consequences and reactions

So you've told someone. It either went really well and everyone is cool or badly and everyone cried and screamed and blamed someone else, or even a bit of both!!

Some people describe coming out as a huge weight being lifted from their shoulders, of feeling euphoric and giggly and childlike again.

Don't feel guilty about it - go on and enjoy yourself, you deserve it. The thrill of revealing something long kept hidden can give a tremendous sense of relief.

Use this new found energy wisely and remember that close friends and family may be worried that you have changed out of all recognition.

If it hasn't gone too well - don't lose heart. Time is a great healer and things will get better. If you are experiencing rejection from some close friends, ask yourself if they were really so close that they couldn't support you through this. If your family or friends are reacting badly, this is in all probability, normal. They may be experiencing a whole range of emotions including shock, grief, guilt, blame, disappointment.

Remember how long it took for you to come to terms with being gay. Many family or friends will feel a loss in some way. This can blur their happiness and their love for you.

If they go quiet on you, give them time to react and the opportunity to think about what you have told them. If they ask lots of questions, it's a good sign. It may help to think of it as though it is in your interests to respond to them - they are likely to be the same ones that you have asked yourself many times along the way.

If things are so bad that you feel like giving up with the whole process of coming out, it's important to talk to someone about your fears and concerns.

Once you have come out to one person this doesn't mean that you have to go out and tell the whole world. The next time you tell someone it will probably be a little bit easier for you and you will be more prepared for the questions they may ask.

Meeting other gay people

There comes a time to stop talking and to get on with living your life exactly how you want to. It's time to meet other gay and bisexual people and to explore your sexuality safely and confidently.

A common reaction to this is; "Fine - but where do I start?" Remember that being gay is about expressing yourself in the way YOU want to. Despite the stereotypes, there is no single way of being gay. You don't have do go out and buy a wardrobe full of lycra and sequins and make your way to the nearest gay bar.

Going out with friends and meeting new ones at clubs or parties can be great. But the scene isn't for everybody and it's not everything there is to being gay. Most towns and cities have gay youth groups, gay social groups and gay men's health projects. These can be excellent places to meet new people and to find out what there is to do locally and most will arrange to meet first time visitors beforehand.

As with any group of people, there will be some you get on with and some you won't. If you feel that you have little in common with the gay people you have met so far, you could try different ways of contacting more gay men, for example through the many special interest gay groups (like gay men's choirs or gay football supporters networks) you can find information about these groups by checking out the GMFA website.

The final word

However and whenever you chose to come out we hope that this guide has helped you. The most important thing to remember is that you should only talk to people about your sexuality when you are ready to. Remember if you want to talk to anyone about your sexuality or your concerns about coming out you can also call the project and talk to one of the workers.